I Do This Because I Hate Myself: Samsung Unpacked Episode 2 Liveblog

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9:57pm – Let’s just get this out of the way — this isn’t a proper liveblog. This isn’t journalism. This is me, sitting in a room 15,668km away from this Samsung event alone with my predictable opinions, watching a livestream countdown.

Frankly, it’s sad.

The last time I did this was last year in March. I had an article due, and there happened to be the Samsung Galaxy S4 event on that day, so I watched it.

Coincidentally, that happened to be the same event where Samsung tried both sexism and broadway stylings in the same event. It was… bad.

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I don’t expect this event to be ridiculous. Honestly, I’d be shocked if there’s even anything worth reading at the end of this.

Still, here we go. Check back throughout the night, and at 11pm — that’s when this thing is supposed to start.

Or, you know, go read a book, watch a re-run of Dawson’s Creek, or plan a weekend getaway. Those are all far more valid uses of your time.

10:09pm – I watched two of the clips Samsung put out as teasers. They all sounded fairly similar to the Your Verse Apple ads, and then they claimed that the S Pen was the best invention since the pen.

I should’ve studied harder, and become a zoologist. Those guys are really living, you know?

10:15pm – Gonna go get a wine.

10:24pm – If this is episode 2, what was episode 1?

10:25pm – Looks like it was the Samsung Galaxy S5. A phone so plastic that even shopping bags were pissed off that they were getting a bad name.

10:35pm – The music has started on the livestream. People on twitter are telling me the screen size on this Galaxy Note 4 is going to be 5.7 inches.

I’m trying to work out how that would possibly fit in a normal human pocket.

10:37pm – Legitimately, I think there is a market for larger phones. I’m not a large phone hater. I worked with a woman who described exactly this kind of phone as her ideal thing like 4 years ago, when the only thing close was the Galaxy Tab (the very first one that made calls for some bizarre reason). She wanted a tablet that made calls, and could fit in a handbag.

And now, she’s got like a thousand options (and probably an iOS option in 3 weeks time too).

10:46pm – 15 minutes till we start. I wonder if JK Shin is gonna get on stage. That guy is a stone cold bad ass mother what-what

10:53pm – I have work tomorrow. This whole month is going to be full of dumb sleeping patterns, isn’t it.

10:58pm – Shots of the crowd and stage have started. So far I’m not seeing any broadway, so we’ve automatically topped the S4 event.

10:59pm – I think a guy is playing a synth track on a Samsung phone. It sounds like the end of a Nintendo game, in a bad way.

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11:02pm – Why is this song going for so long

11:03pm – Wa-hey here we go.

11:04pm – Nope, wait, we’re just doing promo video re-caps.

11:06pm – “Thanks to everyone who’s watching online.” They love me, they really love me.

11:07pm – It’s DJ Lee. I liked his first album, but then he started getting into grimecore and he lost me.

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11:10pm – I’m sorta lost. He said a bunch of stuff about innovation, and productivity. And the curve of the human… something. I can’t rewind the livestream. Oh boy.

11:11pm – “I can promise you — we will never slow down.” DJ got a clap for that.

11:13pm – “This is the Galaxy Note 4. It combines 3 key attributes. First, S Pen. Next, latest in Galaxy technology. Lastly, a new design language.”

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11:15pm – Galaxy Note Edge. It has a screen that goes right to the edge. On one side? I dunno why you’d want that? OK though.

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11:17pm – Why did I agree to do this. I wrote that sentence and then they announced 2 products while I was typing. I’m not cut out for this.

11:18pm – The other thing was a new watch, and then there was a headset thing.

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11:19pm – “All this defines the Note culture.” What’s a note culture guys. Shit, this is like that dream I had where I didn’t study for an exam and then all my teeth fell out.

11:21pm – The woman host runs over her phone with her car all the time? I’m lost.

11:23pm – You have a clean and vibrant UX. I dunno what that is. Like, I know the words, but…

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11:25pm – Quad HD LCD vs. Quad HD Super AMOLED. I guess that means the contrast is bumped way up?

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11:27pm – “The pen is mightier than the finger, or the thumbs.” I should be in bed.

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11:29pm – I just saw the words “S Pen as scissors” flash up on the screen. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

11:29pm – “Can I be your sister?” “Sure!”

I can’t do this guys, I can’t

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11:31pm – “S-Pen can also be used as a mouse!”

11:32pm – They keep doing this weird thing where the woman presenter Rachel on stage says something and the other 2 guys go “NO RACHEL, NO. WE DO IT LIKE THIS.”

11:33pm – We take millions of selfies every day. It’s a phenomenon. Even monkeys do it!

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11:35pm – We-fie. A selfie that we’re all in. Let’s take a crowd we-fie! “All the ugly people please duck down and the attractive people make yourself more prominent.”

You know, there’s a copy of The Last Of Us in my Playstation that I’m not playing right now.

11:38pm – “We’ve spent millions of hours improving the Note 4 battery.”

11:42pm – “We have 4 new covers.” This is the LED cover. I wonder where I’ve seen that before, m8?

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11:42pm – Rachel sees the Swarovski crystal cover: “Now you’re speaking my language!” Oh boy.

11:44pm – I read back over this and most of it makes no sense. Also, I’ve missed like, every major feature.

11:46pm – “Available in October.” Also, apparently Rachel the Samsung presenter is an iPhone user.

11:48pm – The Note Edge has a screen they’ve called ‘Edge Screen’. Where do they come up with these names

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11:53pm – The Gear S is the new smart watch. And Rachel is like “it’s really big, isn’t it?” “Yes, it is Rachel.”

I don’t think it was a compliment, guy.

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11:49pm – “It’s beautiful.”

To me the Note Edge looks like a Dali painting, or a phone that was left too long in a hot car and kinda melted.

11:54pm – Rachel is stabbing at the screen with a single finger and it’s not working.

11:56pm – “It brings a full QWERTY keyboard to your wrist!”

I want to live in a world where someone is trying to type a text message into a QWERTY keyboard on a watch. I want that for me.

11:57pm – If I ever sit on the bus next to someone typing a message into a wristwatch, I’ll just be like “Are you OK? Like, tell me what’s going on here. Break it down for me.”

11:59pm – It comes with a variety of crystals. And now the crowd is laughing, because Rachel AND HER GEMS

12:00am – “I am a massive VR fan”

It’s midnight and I’m watching a woman lie about VR instead of sleeping.

12:02am – “It’s like I’m there.”

12:03am – “It’s so stylish.”

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12:04am – “With Gear VR, it’s the equivalent of standing 2 meters in front of a 175 inch screen.”

12:05am – Here comes John Carmack. They’re partnering up with Oculus on this. I did not see that coming.

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12:08am – John Carmack you’re a cool guy, but they’re sucking the life from you man! Get out! Get out while you still can! Before that guy drinks your blood or eats your eye meats!

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12:10am – Regardless, I want to try the Gear VR. Because VR is bad ass, and Samsung can make millions of them.

12:12am – They’re wrapping up now. That crowd left quick.

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12:15am – OK, I think we’re all done here. This was incomprehensible to even me. Did I even say what the 4 things they announced were? Note 4, Note Edge, Gear S, and Gear VR. Christ, I am terrible at this.

12:16am – Thanks for reading. This was not a good use of anyone’s time.

Reckoner had its humble beginnings way back in June of 2013.

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